Peter Vesce's funniest one liners

[jerrywest]

Dominique Wilkins, looking extremely professional these days sitting behind the Hawks bench in his capacity as consultant, was recently sighted jotting plays. "We know you've never read a playbook," team president Stan Kasten needled Nique. "Now you're writing one?"

As for LeBron James, who made his national cable debut last week, I hate to be a killjoy, but he's already told close friends, family and parasites he plans to skip the NBA and join the Yugoslavian National Team.

Here is the rest of the article:

HAVEN'T thrown a blind item out there in many years, but this one is so scandalously juicy, it clamors to be at least partially

publicized, if not entirely exposed.

OK, which team is in grave danger of being uncovered for tampering and ravaging salary cap rules (thereby risking severe

punishment, a la the Timberwolves) regarding the signing of a fringe free agent?

A group cringe is now officially in session in many NBA cubbyholes.

Sources say the circumstances in this case are almost identical to what happened to the Minnesota Timberwolves franchise in

relation to Joe Smith. A dumped agent swears there's proof documenting the desecration; he's weighing the consequences

(ratting on himself figures to lead to decertification - temporary or irrevocable - unless given immunity) of turning over the

evidence to David Stern.

Clamming up means a forfeiture of a fee (500G, I'm told; nothing like what was at stake concerning Smith's $85M contract) for

services rendered.

I know what you're asking? Didn't these guys learn anything from Tricky [censored] Nixon? Why would cheaters put anything in

writing, or on tape that could come back to haunt them and theirs? Evidently, because there's no honor among mopes; trust in

these situations is neither bestowed nor received, so protecting one's assets is essential.

The most baffling aspect of this latest squalor, submits this staggered subject, is the following:

Why in the world would owners and their management teams chance stigma, sentencing, the surrender of millions of dollars and

being penalized multiple first round draft picks (ultimately three were deducted from the T'Wolves after the benevolent

commissioner returned a pair), for the thrill of bagging a marginal starter? We're spotlighting Smith, Corliss Williamson

(according to his ex-agent's testimony and common sense; meanwhile, the league has cleared the Kings of any wrongdoing),

the player in this case and many others free agents whose talent was far more tangential than the above. Names are being

withheld to protect the guilty.

Other than complete incompetence by the esteemed panel of judges representing those teams, nothing else comes to mind.

*

T'was heartwarming to see a federal judge in Detroit agree to postpone Chris Webber's family trial until after the NBA season

concluded. C-Note's lawyer, who said holding a trial in-season would be "a hardship to the NBA, the Sacramento Kings and

their fans," filed the motion.

Of course, if the judge (Nancy G. Edmunds) wanted to wait until C-Note wasn't doing anything, the trial could be held during

the fourth quarter of any important game.

This just in: C-Note denied Pete Rose ever bet on the Cincinnati Royals.

*

As for LeBron James, who made his national cable debut last week, I hate to be a killjoy, but he's already told close friends,

family and parasites he plans to skip the NBA and join the Yugoslavian National Team.

Rashard Lewis was suspended a game last week (vs. the Knicks) after VP of Violence Stu Jackson reviewed the tape of him

crying in the green room on draft night.

Shaq called a players' only meeting yesterday and forbade any Lakers to attend except for Kobe.

*

First 5,000 fans at First Union Center last Friday received a World B. Free bobblehead doll. Second 5,000 received a copy of

his original birth certificate . . . Larry Brown says he'd love to have Gary Payton on Olympic team . . . Jerry West's son Jonnie

plays on the same high school basketball team as Pau Gasol's brother, Marc.

*

Analyze Me, Myself and I: "I think too much out there on the court sometimes. I'll have to make myself dumber and just play

the game, I guess," Brad Miller scrutinizes.

Ron Artest and Ron Mercer pretend there's nothing special about this coming weekend's back-to-back meetings with the

Bulls, the first encounter with their former team since the Pacers acquired them (Miller and Kevin Ollie) last season for Jalen

Rose and Travis Best.

Miller, on the other hand, minces no emotions, forecasting, "You know Jalen is going to be sky high for the games, so they

should be a lot of fun."

*

Most heartwarming holiday sight: Three dozen players taking time out from their busy schedule to feed Shawn Kemp.

The Jail Blazers have been given a group discount day in court and have copyrighted the phrase, "With Authority."

Dominique Wilkins, looking extremely professional these days sitting behind the Hawks bench in his capacity as consultant, was

recently sighted jotting plays. "We know you've never read a playbook," team president Stan Kasten needled Nique. "Now

you're writing one?"

Don't know why Miami isn't better. After all, they've got Ed Pinckney tutoring the frontcourt and Mike Fratello lending

expertise to stab-in-the-backcourt.

My Halloween treat or treat bag is still bulging with goodies. Amazing how much you can glom dressed as Winona Ryder

[Traceman]

I also liked the one about Shaq calling a team meeting and telling none of the other Lakers to attend except Kobe. That is funny stuff.