Monday's Post Game Report

[jaywalker72]

Arch, that was one fine piece of satire, right there....

The Furlow joke was priceless, as were the amazingly accurate quotes...

[archie44]

Another Loss Sends Hawks Into Turmoil

(AP)Atlanta

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They hung their heads. They looked down at the floor so long they could count the dots. Yet once again, the Atlanta Hawks were a group of highly paid individuals with no answers.

"We're lost," said Terry Stotts, now 1-5 in his first six games as the head coach. "There are no answers, no secret formula. Lon Kruger is the lucky one. He's out of this catastrophe."

Stotts tried unsuccessfully to toss his clipboard on the court during a timeout, hoping it would bounce off the floor and hit one of the players, demonstrating his unhappiness with their lackluster effor. But even that didn't work.

"I hoped the clipboard would bounce up and hit Shareef," Stotts said. "But instead, he thought I was drawing up a play where he could spike the ball after a bad call by the broad calling the game."

Players and coaches are somewhat resigned to the fact that this team is done. All the expectations of a summer filled with promise are now empty. Can any trade, any transaction fix this rudderless ship?

"We could add Shaquille O'Neal and Jason Kidd to this mix and they'd go sour as well," says Assistant Coach Alex English, who yearns for his days in the NBDL, where they at least try once in a while. "If this group took a chemistry class, they'd think they were in math so they could count their money."

Fact is the Hawks defense is about as strong as Al Queda right now. Pretty lackluster. Ira Newble, the team's designated defensive star, sounded defeated after the game.

"Man I bounce around, try to play good defense," Newble said. "But these guys are afraid their underarms are going to smell if they raise their arms on defense. Worthless."

Meanwhile, Hawks President Stan Kasten entered the lockerroom to announce that ESPN would soon start filming a documentary on the 2002-2003 Atlanta Hawks. Kasten said: "They're going to call it "The Lack of Gumption Boys." Maybe that will embarrass you guys enough to play better."

Steve Holman, who hasn't missed a Hawks broadcast in over eleven hundred games, was walking around the lockerroom after the game hoping he'd come down with the croup. "[censored] the streak," Holman said. "This is painful."

Shareef Abdur Rahim, who was so frustrated during Monday's game with the New Jersey Nets he decided to audition for the basketball spiking competition, was somewhat self-centered in his assessment: "Do you guys realize that I made $146,341.46 tonight? Not a bad night at the office."

Hanno Mottolla called from overseas wondering how everyone was doing.

Theo Ratliff peared over at Abdur-Rahim's locker with disbelief. Ratliff is by no means oblivious to this criticism, but he is amazed at how apathetic this team seems to be right now.

"We're counting down to April 16th," Ratliff said. "Yea we'll lose a lot of money the day before, but the best part is that we won't have to see each other again for a while."

The Hawks players are not good actors. It's easy to see simply be watching the games the distaste each of them have for one another. It's gotten to the point where you can even hear their thoughts:

Shareef says: "I wonder if I have time during this timeout to count the fans in the stands."

Theo says: "Good grief I miss Larry Brown."

Big Dog says: "Maybe Ray Allen was right."

Dion says: "If I don't shoot the ball in the next ten seconds, I might pop."

Dickau says: "My God I'm one white [censored]."

JT says: "Coach Stotts just yelled "31" so I guess that means they're running a play for me this time."

Darvin HAM says: "Wonder if Shareef is uncomfortable with me on the team."

Hendu says: "The Injured List sure beats the [censored] out of this."

Pete Babcock waltsed in. Someone had taped a piece of looseleaf paper on his back with the words "Fire Me" written in red ink.

Babcock, however, is more interested in the future. "We still could get our first round pick. Might as well go ahead and tank the season so we can pick Lebron James and get another ball hog in here."

Fact is, Terry Furlow has more life than the players on this team. Team operators use to announce the Hawks line "Your Playoff Bound Atlanta Hawks" when answering. Now they've switched to "Your Lethargic, Apathic Spoiled Hoop Boys from the A-T-L."

Who can fix this team? Hubie Brown has uttered enough four letter words to make the Grizzlies awaken from their storied failure. Could his protege, Mike Fratello, return to Atlanta and curse these players out? Our would he wind up killing one of the players when they gave him the patented Hawks player "DAZED" look they have seemingly mastered?

Darvin Ham walked over to the corner of the lockerrrom. He saw Billy Knight snoozing again. "The game's over Billy," Ham contested. "You can wake up now."

Problem was, that was Knight's normal condition.

Hawks players were again perplexed at the incredulous fans during the Nets game Monday night. It was understandable that Falcons Quarterback Mike Vick received a nice ovation during a timeout. But Hawks players knew they were in trouble when even Fulton Keykendall got a huge ovation when he was showed on the big screen.

Thank God Bubba Bean was not in attendance.

"Going through the motions" is the rallying cry now. The players simply want to get this season over with. It's January the 7th, but for the most part, it's done. No draft pick. No answers. No solutions.

The funny part is thinking about Lon Kruger sitting back on some beach somewhere laughing his ass off. He's still going to get paid, and yet he doesn't have to see this mess.

Terry Stotts is envious as [censored]. For his new life is definitely no day at the beach. More like a night stuck in an empty arena.

He majored in Zoology at Oklahoma. Little did he know how he would one day use his degree.

"You're right, this place is a zoo," Stotts said. "I don't know what to do. Wish I could choke them, but that would not work. Maybe Kevin Loughery could do better. I've always wanted to be a NBA Head Coach, but I think I'd be better working in 6th grade. At least I'd have experience with what's going on here."

[hds428]

There's nothing I could possibly add to that, but I have to bump it back to the top in case anyone missed it.

[Lrenfro]

"Man I bounce around, try to play good defense," Newble said. "But these guys are afraid their underarms are going to smell if they raise their arms on defense. Worthless."

IS this an actual quote from Newble? If so this really sums it up for me. I mean all that extra practice they did over the summer. I thought they were trying to get closer trying to build chemistry early. But now it sounds like there is a lot of finger pointing going on. There is nothing a coach can do about that. Someone just needs to bring a belt in and break'em down old school style.

[Malignant]

No, the entire thing is a satire/made up if you didn't notice but I wouldn't be suprised if thats what he felt.

[Mr_K]

Great work Arch.............ha hah..........oish

[Nurlman]

I just wish I gave enough of a rat's ass to put something like that together myself...

[Lrenfro]

I knew most of it was made up but it just seemed like something Ira would say. And that sure would explain alot.