The Shaq negotiations, What really happened...

[Diesel]

Sund: I thank you for taking me out to Paul's Restaurant, this is a great spot in Buckhead.

JJ: No Problem, you know we're family.

Sund: Still, it's good to get treated every once and a while.

JJ: Well, this is more business than pleasure.

Sund: What do you mean, are you trying to negotiate your new contract already.

JJ: No, nothing like that, I have a friend I'd like you to meet.

[shaq is waiting at the table in the back room as JJ and Sund walks in..]

Shaq: How are you doing, I'm Shaq?

[waiter closes the door]

Sund: Well, I'm fine.... It's good to finally meet you in person.

Shaq: I'm bigger than Life ain't I.

Sund: What's the meaning of all this?

JJ: Well, the tabloids have been talking about Shaq playing for the Hawks. I just wanted to see what would happen if I could get both sides talking. We're all friends here.

Sund: That's true, we are in need of a big man and this would be a great acquisition if it works out. Thanks Joe!!

JJ: I heard your end would be covering my fee.

Sund: Your fee?

JJ: Yeah, I'm like a marriage counselor. Tell the man he oughta bring the b*tch some flowers every once in a while. Tell the b*tch she gotta suck some **** every once in a while. That sort of s***.

Sund: Haven't you already gotten us for enough?

JJ: I said that I would be doing some recruiting. This is it.

Sund: Well, what are we talking here?

Shaq: I'm talking Championship. I want one.

JJ: We gotta ring that bell! We gotta to ring that championship bell!

Shaq: Ding motherfu**ing dong! [Police officers enter]

Shaq: Oh, oh, oh. Come right in. Don't let the fact that the door is closed dissuade you in any way from entering my office.

Atlanta PD: Sir, we're with the Atlanta Police Department. Are you Mr. Shaquille O'Neal?

Shaq: Yes. Lucky guess.

Atlanta PD: Well, sir, you have 25 unpaid parking tickets, we have a warrant for your arrest.

Shaq: 25? What 25?

Atlanta PD: You have 25 unpaid parking tickets, sir.

Shaq: I-I pay my tickets. I pay - I pay all my tickets.

Atlanta PD: Sir, do you own a Black Mercedes-Benz, License Plates Shaq-Diesel?

Shaq: That's my wife's car! That's not my car! That's my-

Atlanta PD: You have 25 unpaid parking tickets.

Shaq: I mean, it's under my name. But, it's my wife's car! No! No! No!

[picks up phone; yells]

Shaq: b*tch!

Atlanta PD: Your tickets have not been paid, that means you're liable.

[to other officers]

Atlanta PD: Can you cuff Mr. O'Neal, please?

Shaq: Cuff me? There are people out there with chainsaws, you're cuffing me!

Atlanta PD: Well, sir, you have 25 unpaid parking tickets, and it's your car. So, we have to take you in.

Shaq: Wait a second, I've got an idea. Is there something that I have in right now that I could hand to you, and that would make you kind of forget that you're holding those, uh, little pink tickets there?

Atlanta PD: What do you mean?

Shaq: You know, like this if I were to hand you $5000 Cash money... you would just forget about those tickets you were holding in your other hand. In fact, they would just fall to the floor.

Atlanta PD: Now that you say that, $9000 would have me mesmerized!!

Shaq: Ala Kazaam.. look at the $10,000 in your hand. It's pretty!!

Atlanta PD: Yes, it's pretty...

[police drops the tickets]

Shaq: Thank you for coming by! I'm planning on staying, could you correct the mistake on your computer system?

Atlanta PD: Mr. O'Neal, we will do it right now.

[police leaves]

[shaq starts drinking the top shelf tequila]

Shaq: OK, let's talk money. I want 10 Million dollars.

Sund: 10 Million dollars. You're not worth that kind of money!!

Shaq: America wanna see me live, not work. Look at this America, look at how Shaq is livin' in the city.

[drunk and holding up a wad of bills]

Shaq: I'm worth the money and you need me!

Sund: We don't need you, we have a core of good big men.

Shaq: That's not what Dwight is saying. Who your C? Al Horford? s***! Who ia the other C ? Tell me man. Zaza? That mother f***er can't even speak English!

Sund: They are still better than signing you for 10 Million.

Shaq: You can trade Marvin or something. He's not worthy of his contract, think of what i could do in Atlanta. I can put you on the map. I can put you on my broad shoulders and carry you to the championship.

Sund: Last year, you were supposed to bring the King a ring!

Shaq: Well, I tried, but The king was no King. He didn't want to win. Now he's heading South and his mama is riding West!! Literally!

JJ: Imagine the inside out game we would have with Me and Shaq. We can be Shaq-a-J.

Sund: Shaq-a-J.

JJ: Yeah, I thought about J-Oneal, but then people would get us confused with the guy in Boston.

Sund: Ten Million?!?

JJ: You heard him, it doesn't have to be 10 Million, he'd take Marvin's contract.

Shaq: yeah, You know I'm more productive than Marvin. I'm Shaq b*tch!

Sund: Excuse me.

Shaq: I said, I'm Shaq b*tch. I'm the one that told Kobe to tell me how my *ss tastes. He's up on me, I have to win!

Sund: This is not about some Kobe mess, we have real teams to play.

JJ: Yeah man, we'll deal with Kobe when we get to him.

Shaq: No, I want Kobe right now. I'm Shaq Bitches.

[shaq loses his temper and punches JJ in the forehead. JJ backs up and kicks Shaq in the chest. Shaq falls through the door and down in the restaurant. Sund grabs JJ. Three beautiful women come to aid Shaq.]

JJ: What the hell is wrong with you?

Shaq: I'm sorry, JJ, it was an accident. I was having too much fun. I offer you a truce. The stickiest of the icky. You want to smoke with the old boy Shaq?

JJ: Yo, man, my forehead is bumpin', man.

Shaq: Now that you mention it, I think I'm bleeding inside my chest. But I got the medicine.

Shaq: Bitches... Come over here and have sex with JJ.

Shaq: I'm Shaq, b*tch.

[Swatguy]

Sund: I thank you for taking me out to Paul's Restaurant, this is a great spot in Buckhead.

JJ: No Problem, you know we're family.

Sund: Still, it's good to get treated every once and a while.

JJ: Well, this is more business than pleasure.

Sund: What do you mean, are you trying to negotiate your new contract already.

JJ: No, nothing like that, I have a friend I'd like you to meet.

[shaq is waiting at the table in the back room as JJ and Sund walks in..]

Shaq: How are you doing, I'm Shaq?

[waiter closes the door]

Sund: Well, I'm fine.... It's good to finally meet you in person.

Shaq: I'm bigger than Life ain't I.

Sund: What's the meaning of all this?

JJ: Well, the tabloids have been talking about Shaq playing for the Hawks. I just wanted to see what would happen if I could get both sides talking. We're all friends here.

Sund: That's true, we are in need of a big man and this would be a great acquisition if it works out. Thanks Joe!!

JJ: I heard your end would be covering my fee.

Sund: Your fee?

JJ: Yeah, I'm like a marriage counselor. Tell the man he oughta bring the b*tch some flowers every once in a while. Tell the b*tch she gotta suck some **** every once in a while. That sort of s***.

Sund: Haven't you already gotten us for enough?

JJ: I said that I would be doing some recruiting. This is it.

Sund: Well, what are we talking here?

Shaq: I'm talking Championship. I want one.

JJ: We gotta ring that bell! We gotta to ring that championship bell!

Shaq: Ding motherfu**ing dong! [Police officers enter]

Shaq: Oh, oh, oh. Come right in. Don't let the fact that the door is closed dissuade you in any way from entering my office.

Atlanta PD: Sir, we're with the Atlanta Police Department. Are you Mr. Shaquille O'Neal?

Shaq: Yes. Lucky guess.

Atlanta PD: Well, sir, you have 25 unpaid parking tickets, we have a warrant for your arrest.

Shaq: 25? What 25?

Atlanta PD: You have 25 unpaid parking tickets, sir.

Shaq: I-I pay my tickets. I pay - I pay all my tickets.

Atlanta PD: Sir, do you own a Black Mercedes-Benz, License Plates Shaq-Diesel?

Shaq: That's my wife's car! That's not my car! That's my-

Atlanta PD: You have 25 unpaid parking tickets.

Shaq: I mean, it's under my name. But, it's my wife's car! No! No! No!

[picks up phone; yells]

Shaq: b*tch!

Atlanta PD: Your tickets have not been paid, that means you're liable.

[to other officers]

Atlanta PD: Can you cuff Mr. O'Neal, please?

Shaq: Cuff me? There are people out there with chainsaws, you're cuffing me!

Atlanta PD: Well, sir, you have 25 unpaid parking tickets, and it's your car. So, we have to take you in.

Shaq: Wait a second, I've got an idea. Is there something that I have in right now that I could hand to you, and that would make you kind of forget that you're holding those, uh, little pink tickets there?

Atlanta PD: What do you mean?

Shaq: You know, like this if I were to hand you $5000 Cash money... you would just forget about those tickets you were holding in your other hand. In fact, they would just fall to the floor.

Atlanta PD: Now that you say that, $9000 would have me mesmerized!!

Shaq: Ala Kazaam.. look at the $10,000 in your hand. It's pretty!!

Atlanta PD: Yes, it's pretty...

[police drops the tickets]

Shaq: Thank you for coming by! I'm planning on staying, could you correct the mistake on your computer system?

Atlanta PD: Mr. O'Neal, we will do it right now.

[police leaves]

[shaq starts drinking the top shelf tequila]

Shaq: OK, let's talk money. I want 10 Million dollars.

Sund: 10 Million dollars. You're not worth that kind of money!!

Shaq: America wanna see me live, not work. Look at this America, look at how Shaq is livin' in the city.

[drunk and holding up a wad of bills]

Shaq: I'm worth the money and you need me!

Sund: We don't need you, we have a core of good big men.

Shaq: That's not what Dwight is saying. Who your C? Al Horford? s***! Who ia the other C ? Tell me man. Zaza? That mother f***er can't even speak English!

Sund: They are still better than signing you for 10 Million.

Shaq: You can trade Marvin or something. He's not worthy of his contract, think of what i could do in Atlanta. I can put you on the map. I can put you on my broad shoulders and carry you to the championship.

Sund: Last year, you were supposed to bring the King a ring!

Shaq: Well, I tried, but The king was no King. He didn't want to win. Now he's heading South and his mama is riding West!! Literally!

JJ: Imagine the inside out game we would have with Me and Shaq. We can be Shaq-a-J.

Sund: Shaq-a-J.

JJ: Yeah, I thought about J-Oneal, but then people would get us confused with the guy in Boston.

Sund: Ten Million?!?

JJ: You heard him, it doesn't have to be 10 Million, he'd take Marvin's contract.

Shaq: yeah, You know I'm more productive than Marvin. I'm Shaq b*tch!

Sund: Excuse me.

Shaq: I said, I'm Shaq b*tch. I'm the one that told Kobe to tell me how my *ss tastes. He's up on me, I have to win!

Sund: This is not about some Kobe mess, we have real teams to play.

JJ: Yeah man, we'll deal with Kobe when we get to him.

Shaq: No, I want Kobe right now. I'm Shaq Bitches.

[shaq loses his temper and punches JJ in the forehead. JJ backs up and kicks Shaq in the chest. Shaq falls through the door and down in the restaurant. Sund grabs JJ. Three beautiful women come to aid Shaq.]

JJ: What the hell is wrong with you?

Shaq: I'm sorry, JJ, it was an accident. I was having too much fun. I offer you a truce. The stickiest of the icky. You want to smoke with the old boy Shaq?

JJ: Yo, man, my forehead is bumpin', man.

Shaq: Now that you mention it, I think I'm bleeding inside my chest. But I got the medicine.

Shaq: Bitches... Come over here and have sex with JJ.

Shaq: I'm Shaq, b*tch.

uuuughghh. Take it back to the lab D.

[IHeartAtlanta]

SMDH EPIC FAIL :beathorse:

[TomSelleck]

[LucastheThird]

:slap1: